SO...my life is different lately. I had a friend say to me recently when I said that my life isn't "normal" anymore that she has decided that the older she gets the more she has to adjust her "normal" more and more. I thought that that was good insight. The same friend told me that she is always surprised at how much our parents were able to keep from us while we were growing up. Who knew when you were a child that rough times were going to come? It is our job as parents to protect our children from some of the harsh things in life, but I wish in a way that I was more prepared and was more on the up and up about things of life that could happen. I guess that no one can really prepare for some of the things that are happening in my life right now. One thing that I can always count on is the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. It is consistent. It never changes. It helps me handle the bumps along the way.
I feel a little glazed over and not sure how I am existing right now. I will be listening to something one of my children are saying and I find myself asking them to repeat what they said because I was totally not listening the first time. Then, I have to make a conscience effort to listen the second time. I looked up at Quentin on the stand on Sunday and wondered when the last time was that I sat and just talked to him about what was going on in his life. I feel like I am just surviving right now. I pray that everyone around me will forgive me for "checking out" and let me back in when things get a little more smooth. If I am not over at mom and dads, then that is all I am thinking about while I am away. I try to forget and distract myself...but it doesn;t work.
I am making things sound so grim. I guess that losing a loved one does that to you. However, this time is just a short moment in the great scheme of things and I am so grateful and feel privileged to be able to participate so actively in what's happening with my father and my mom too. My adorable, precious daddy is dying right before my eyes. It is hard. It is time consuming. It is ALL consuming. It is special. It is sacred. I know that I will look back on this time and be grateful that I had the time that I had with him. He progressively gets worse everyday and we have been waiting for "the moment" for weeks now. The doctor and the Hospice nurses have been saying "any day" now for a few weeks and it is frustrating that he still has to struggle along with my mom. However, I thank Heavenly Father for each day that he gives me to say I love you one more time and kiss his skinny bald head. The other day, I told him that I loved him and he said to me; "Not as much as I love you!" I will treasure that forever. He has said a lot of sweet things to everyone and the hugs and kisses that he gives my mom...no one would ever doubt his love for her nor their love for one another. It is precious and I am glad that I can partake in so many moments.
He has gotten a little confused and not as lucid as he used to be. The other day, he had a hard time signing one of his books for me. I don't even think that he can read anymore, but there are those few moments that the old dad comes back and makes a joke or remembers something from the past that he brings up, etc. He is being called to the other side and no one knows when it will happen. It is on HIS time table not ours. He's ready, and moms ready, we are all ready to see him go and start a new mission that he has in store. I know that when he is gone, we will have new emotions that will arise, but look back fondly at the memories that we are still creating.